I personally think Dr. Phil is a bit of a blowhard, and an idiot, but I have to say I agree with most things he had to say in this article. He also in this article had Jim Safka, the CEO of Match.Com, do a write up of some do's and don'ts of online dating. Though he had some good things to say, and some interesting thoughts, we just thought we'd critique what he had to say, and comment on it a bit. So here's what the CEO of Match.Com had to say about the do's and dont's of online dating....
Do include a photo. People who've uploaded a photo get 15 times more attention than people who don't have a photo.
Agree, most sites seem to have a default setting to only search profiles with photos. I would also venture to guess that 99% of people will ignore a profile without a photo, even if they receive a message from someone without a photo, let alone looking at a profile without a photo when searching.
People want to know who they are talking to, plus let's be honest online dating is pretty superficial. The first thing you will notice about someone is their photo not their interests or hobbies. For women without a photo guys will most likely assume they are not attractive.
For men without photos, most women will assume one of two things... probably both. A. Your not that attractive. B. Your probably in a relationship looking for some action on the side and don't want your significant other to see you on a dating site.
Make sure you smile in your photos. That sexy face you're making? It may come across to some people like your scary face
I agree with this to a point. Someone who's smiling tends to be not only attractive but also it shows they are lighthearted, they enjoy life, they are less likely to be a psycho, etc.
That said, it's interesting to note, a recent study done by a University in Vancouver recently found that women find men who are not smiling to be more attractive. Seems a bit contrary to what we would believe about the types of photos you will have more success with but it's interesting to point out.
Don't hide your face behind a pair of sunglasses or a hat. Potential
love interests will want to be able to see your beautiful face.
I can't tell you how many women on dating sites have their faces hidden behind a pair of sunglasses, their hair, a hat, peeking out from behind a tree. We want to see who were talking to so take clear photos that show your face. In the same spirit of taking photos people can actually see post clear photos... do not edit your photos into negatives, rose colored lens, sephia or any other crazy editing that distorts or hides your face. We want to see what you look like in your photo as close as possible to what you look like in person.
In addition to the don't hide your face, don't hide your body either. Yes dating sites have a section for "body type" You generally have choices like slim, athletic, average, a few extra pounds, and heavy. Unless someone is morbidly obese everyone seems to classify themselves as average, unless they are especially fit and slim, in which case they would classify themselves as one of those. Because of this guys tend to know we can't trust this self described body type so we want to see what you look like.
Don't take a photo of yourself peaking out from behind a door, hiding behind a tree, or in a size xxxxl baggy sweater. Doesn't have to be a bikini shot but at least have a full body photo or two.
Don't show too much skin. Nobody wants to see you pose seductively in your kitchen in your tighty whities.
Again, I would have to say I agree to a point. There's nothing wrong with having a photo of you at the beach in a bikini, or in an outfit that shows some skin. It's all about the spirit of the photo. Something where your sticking your ass out, bending over, or sucking on a finger will give off the wrong impression if your not just looking for casual sex. That said as long as a photo is not too seductive or suggestive I don't see anything wrong with showing some skin. As I stated before, guys like to see who they're talking to and what to expect when they meet you. Guys are visual creatures show us something.
As for you dudes out there. Many ladies think a shirtless bathroom mirror pic is the epidimy of a douche bag. Some women will automatically rule you out for having one however I'm sure there are other women out there who don't mind it and may actually like it. Women may appreciate the fact that you take care of yourself and have confidence. Just make sure a shirtless pic is only one of a wide selection of other normal shots.
I myself am guilty of having a shirtless bathroom mirror pic. I take care of myself, fitness is a pretty big part of my life and I'm proud of the shape I keep myself in so why not show it off. I recently joked with a date of mine about this and asked her why I wasn't rules out because of that since many women seem to frown upon it. Her words exactly was if you got it flaunt it.
One last thing about having this type of pic, it can actually be used as a screening tool. I prefer a women who's fit and in shape. I take care of myself and my partner gets to enjoy that so I also want someone who takes care of themself. I've had women I have messaged send me messages back telling me they are thick or saying just to be clear this is my body type. I don't have to have someone whos' a supermodel but I would like someone to be fit and take care of themselvs. I think if you are fit and people see how fit if they are not they will assume you may not be interested in them and screen themselves out for you.
Do make your headline a grabber. Think of all the great advertising
slogans you've ever heard. They're imprinted in people's minds. You want
to do the same thing with your profile.
Aside from your photo your headline is going to be the first thing somebody sees. Make it something different than the rest. Something like "Hey" is not creative and your going to blend in with the hundreds if not thousands of other profiles that say "Hey".
Also don't do something you think is clever but is especially generic, boring, and cliche such as "Looking For A Partner In Crime" or "Witty Headline Here" or even..."I hate profile headlines." If you have a sense of humor try to come up with something funny or clever. I personally have found that the more random and pointless your headline and even profile in some cases the more responses you get, don't ask me why but it works.
Consult your friends and family for help in writing your online profile.
There are things that they love about you that you might not otherwise
think about for yourself.
I think this is a good point. Sometimes we have an image of ourselves in our head that is not all that accurate. We also sometimes I think, describe the person we would like to be vs the person we actually are. I have a buddy who showed me his online profile. He talked about being active and spending time outside yet it's been months since I've seen the kid do anything but smoke joints and play Call Of Duty on X-Box Online. If he were to hook up with some girl who's constantly wanting to go hiking, kayaking, to the beach, etc I don't think it would be a good fit nor would he be happy.
Online dating has come a long way in the past few years. It's no longer taboo and has kind of lost that negative connotation it had in the past. None the less some people are still a bit shy about using online dating to find a match and some people may not be comfortable with this. Personally I probably wouldn't use my family for advice but I do have some buddies who do online dating as well as a roommate who does as well and we'll occasionally bounce ideas off one another as to what works and what doesn't.
Don't use clichés. You may love long walks on the beach, but who
doesn't? Say something interesting about yourself that is unique to you.
I kind of touched on this area in the headline area about not using anything too generic or cliche. Your trying to tell people about you so don't use cliches that everyone likes. I breathe air, so does everyone else; I like long walks along the beach, who doesn't, plus if you don't live near water like myself where the hell are you taking these walks on the beach. I always laugh when I read I enjoy long walks along the beach knowing there's no beaches in my area nor the girls area who's profile I'm looking at. So you enjoy walking the beach once a year while your on vacation. Cool that tells me a lot about you.
Don't forget to run spell-check. If you have misspelled words in your
profile, it tells the world that you just don't care about what you're
doing.
You'd be surprised how many women's profiles say things like "Don't bother messaging me if you can't write a complete sentence or speak proper English" or "Don't bother messaging me if you can't spell or at least take the time to run spell check."
I think this is a good point. Good spelling and grammar show you've most likely finished high school, your not a complete idiot, and you actually took some time putting your profile together.
I'm not the most formal person myself however when I see a women's profile who's entire profile is text abbreviations and slang or mis-spelled words it is a bit of a turn off.
Do respond to every e-mail that you get. If you were walking down the street and someone said hello, you'd probably say hello back. It's the same protocol online. Respond, even if the answer is a simple, "No, thanks."
I DISAGREE WITH THIS STRONGLY!!!! First off women get WAY too many responses to take the time to respond to each one. A decent looking women may get 30-40 messages everyday, it's just not reasonable to respond to all those messages.
I do think if someone puts together a thoughtful message as opposed to just a "Hey There" it may be nice to acknowledge them with a response if you choose to do so, however I don't think it's necessary.
As far as guys go, guys tend to get much less messages. I think women rarely message guys nor do they need to because their inboxes are flooded with messages already. For that reason it's not quite the burden it is for a man to respond to one message a month as it is for a women to respond to 40 messages a day.
That said I still don't feel it's necessary to respond to every message you receive. If someone you're not interested in messages you and you don't respond they will assume your not interested. If you do respond what will you say? Thanks for your message, sorry but I'm not attracted to you? Personally I think that's a bigger blow than no response at all.
On the other hand if you respond without "rejecting" them they are going to assume your interested in and continue messaging you and you really have no interest in corresponding with them.
One other thing to consider. I've heard from some women that at first they wanted to be nice and acknowledge messages and say I appreciate you taking the time to write me, nice message you sent, I'm sorry but I'm not interested. I've heard many women say they have done this and then wind up with two very undesirable scenarios. Scenario one, they tell the guy they are not interested and he then proceeds to badger them with questions about why they didn't like him, what they could do differently to make them like him, or beg them to give him a chance. Scenario two I've heard women say that guys sometimes get downright nasty and start saying things like screw you, your not that hot, I just wanted to sleep with you anyways.
For a variety of reasons I think it's acceptable to ignore messages your not interested in. People understand no response is a not interested. I've generally heard people say if I don't get a response I know they weren't interested, it's really even more a kick in the balls to get a message back saying no I'm not interested and here's why or here's what's wrong with you.
Keep it light. Your first e-mail should not be a rant about how
expensive gas prices are. Keep it lighthearted in tone and keep it
simple.
I agree with this, no need to reveal your deepest darkest secrets or get too deep. Keep things light. One other thing I like to do is acknowledge something a women has in their profile. If the women likes going to the beach mention how you were just at the beach last weekend or looking forward to a beach vacation with your family.
This shows that you have a similar interest and also shows that you read her profile and are not just sending out form letters to every attractive women you see playing the numbers game.
Don't reveal confidential information in your e-mail exchanges. If you
were at a local coffee house, you wouldn't give out your home address to
just anyone standing in line.
Common now, common sense people. If your really this stupid it's a miracle you havn't been abducted and murdered already.
Don't meet in person until you've actually talked on the phone. You know voice and sound are great way to judge chemistry.
I don't necessarily agree with this point either. I would say 90% of the time I meet up with someone before talking on the phone, but after texting. Some people are just bad on the phone. It's easy to text and message because you have time to think about what you're going to say. Talking on the phone often leads to awkward silences.
If your a phone person, and if your more comfortable talking with someone on the phone by all means do so however I wouldn't say it's a requirement to speak on the phone before meeting.
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